Gravestones

Words that found me after a rather tumultuous evening of pastward thinking and upward gazing.


Gravestones

Hidd'n inside the iron gate
verse of yore long to be known
words of wisdom lie in wait
writ upon the ancient stone

Sleepe escapes deep troubled eyes
seeking still the stones for peace
ears hear naught but ghostly cries
whispered thoughts that never cease

Times of olde brought forth in mind
haunting souls cut fresh their scars
lost from sight, from all mankind
found by night, by light of stars

Earth-bound clouds doth mask terrain
winds blow soft a voice to guide
echoes now, the past the pain
courage won, no fear to hide

Darkened skye begins to break
thru the haze the stones are found
leaving wisdom in their wake
honor, strength and peace abound

- 24 March 2008
- revised 08 April 2008

Angelwings of Ash

Perhaps the very last poem to be finished reflecting on the time of Ace & Angel.


Angelwings of Ash

Alone in the world
feelings rise and fall
tears in her eyes
they burn

Sneaking out at night
lies caught in her mouth
is this worth it
perhaps

Angel of the skies
along side her Ace
but together
no more

Where have her wings gone
torn from her own back
burning to dust
to ash

Now she is grounded
dirt and rocks below
a path laid out
for her

Darkened skies above
a long road ahead
the choice is mine...
I walk

- 03 January 2005
- revised 13 March 2006
- revised 08 March 2008
- revised 19 March 2008

Sunset

These lines were first written with no title, no idea of where they were going, only an affinity for the fiery oranges and reds and darkening purples and blues of sunsets (as well as the applicable analogy for life itself.) Very slightly revised from the original penning 2 years ago, these lines now reflect on how short life really is ; tis better to live life to the fullest each day than to plan for all those "one days" that continuously escape realization.


Sunset

The sun sets
on a glor'ous day
the end of verve
just barely tasted

- 06 March 2008

Why I Write

A look into why I write verse in the first place. Revised only slightly from my little profile ditty.


Why I Write

Looking out into the world I see
people and ideas that affect me.
I pen lines to help me understand
my angst, my love, and the world at hand.

- 11 January 2008

Walking Away

The first tying up of loose ends from my time with Ace.


Walking Away

You don't see
inside of me
stormy seas
or final plea

You can't hear
with your own ear
bitter tears
or primal fear

You won't speak
the words I seek
lonely weeks
when you are weak

So I walk...

- 10 January 2008

The Drive Home

The first set of lines penned out in response to starting a new book in my library of life : Gauge. The only influence Ace had after the prologue Gauge and I acted out pre-Canada is seen in the completion of some unfinished verses ; a tying up of loose ends, the epilogue of Ace. The following lines reflect on the awakening of new feelings between Gauge and myself and the realization that hit me as I was driving back from his place.


The Drive Home

A flash of white
'fore turning right
was all it took
to get you hooked

Your mem'ry 'rased
of her distaste
so all of you
could shine right through
my darkened place
where love was based

But when you looked
at me you took
my heart that night
and gave love flight

- 30 December 2007

Goodnight (ver. II)

The revamped Goodnight


Goodnight

A goodnight whispered on the wind
whence darkness falls
Moonlight descending from heaven
serene and everlasting
Glass shattered upon the ground
casting shadows of uncertainty
Illusions to the naked eye

A goodnight thought in the mind
when words are subdued
Stars gazing from above
silent and intense
Pieces ground into ash
mercurial dust of faeries
Beauty to the lonely soul

A goodnight felt through the heart
while lovers mourn
Echoes heard from afar
past and present
Stardust thrown to the wind
a message sent overseas
Hope to the again departed

- 07 September 2007

Fog of War

Oi, the back and forth between Ace and myself is overwhelming sometimes...


Fog of War

I see you watching me,
I hide from your eyes
but never from your soul.
Your eyes they find me
3,000 miles away
and never closer have we been,
And never further from the truth.
Sugar coated stories
seen through the fog of war
of politics untold.
Your words of truth, therefore
find me torn
and still resolved
to see this through...
Through the doubts of loved ones
and the encouragement of one loved
the fog lifts,
and the sun shines once more.

- 25 April 2007

Through the Mist

By this time, I had wondered if I really knew who Ace was anymore. He had been deployed for so long, and our communications were less than desirable half the time... more miscommunication than not when it came down to the serious stuff. In the end, I decided it didn't really matter... some things were more important than that.


Through the Mist

Through the mist
I see your wings
or is it your pack
no matter
it is still you

- 23 January 2007

Here

Always liked this one too....



Here

And here it is
the wake of my smile
just for you

- 12 January 2007

untitled

Mind ramblings part IV...


-untitled-

I don't understand
you say things that you want
and then say you don't want them
you tell me to find you
and then say you're hiding away

It's left me confused
not knowing what to do
what is best for you
more often I think
not me
not now
I don't want to hurt you
not you
not ever

So return to your cocoon
if that's what you've decided
I will respect that
no hard feelings
no feelings lost
just put away
to look at from time to time
until that time
when perhaps they are taken
down from the shelf
and out of the box
though perhaps not
no pressure

I'll quiet my thoughts now
and focus on the path ahead
wherever that may lead

- 10 January 2007

Moment of Tranquility

Mind ramblings part III...


Moment of Tranquility

to ask a question
meant as nothing more
than the words spoken
to find an answer unknown
meant to be hurtful
never
of what I feel
always
though perhaps unsure
of wording needed, or wanted
from myself

To stand still
meaning content
satisfied
with where I'm at
that's not me
Like all the other ones
when have I ever
... not like the other ones
... how to compare...

- looks to the moon for answers -

I had you
... had you
... past tense
I'm fully aware
painfully aware
where are you?

Safe and warm
no
I was once
I blame you

Good bye
not good bye
but so long
... so long to wait
but another day.

*looks to the moon for answers*

- 08 January 2007

Trust

Mind ramblings part II...


Trust

I look to the stars
to where I want to be
I look to the moon
to where ever you are
wondering if you see the same moon
I look to the clouds
so much like me
think about it
I can't explain
think about it
you know what I mean
so much like me

You wanted a day
but why daylight?
it was never our style
what is that supposed to mean
I don't know
it sounded good
it's a feeling thing
no logic involved

Everything else is temporary
but love is forever
forever elusive
once found and lost
and glimpsed once more
afraid of failure
but loving the pursuit

Wisps of clouds
thrown by the wind
ever chasing the moon
the playful antics
of a restless shadow
dancing across darkness

but there's more to it than that
so much like me
think about it

Trust
fog across the land
in early morn
cannot grasp
but everywhere just the same
beautiful and blinding
to imperfections
which make us perfect

Trust
so hard to come by
so easy to lose
all or nothing
go big or go home
a dangerous line
only to be crossed
one way
never to go back
so hard to come by

Do I trust you?

How can I
through state lines
and separate lives?

How can I
through profound tides
and passing time?

Do I trust you??

Of course.

- 05 January 2007

Human

Mind ramblings, poetic prose, rhythmic wordage.... take your pick.


Human

I don't believe you.
I do, but it's mixed.
Attempting to write
with only half your armor on
a helm and shield perhaps
but no breast plate or gaunts
Or chain-mail armor worn
with no boots or sword
Ready to take on the world
but not without taking some damage

I've done enough of it to know

I've done enough of it to know
I played a part in a play
I didn't know was playing
out

Oblivious
is it killing us?
decades pass
and years go by
and still I search
we've done this all before
but history be damned

history
doomed to repeat itself?
"fuck it"

things are different
you know it
think about it
you know it
things are different

we're so different
and yet...

it is good
to feel human
once more

- 05 January 2007

Goodnight (ver. I)

I don't remember how or why this one fell into completion... but I know I revamped it a year later.


Goodnight

A goodnight whispered on the wind
whence darkness falls
glass shattered upon the ground
and then, the moonlight
so serene and yet piercing
casting shadows upon the pieces
creating beauty again

A goodnight thought in the mind
when words won't carry upon the wind
stars watching from the sky
so far away and yet picturesque
crafting pictures in front of my eyes
creating beauty again

A goodnight heard through it all
while no sound is heard
pieces scattered throughout
and then the sunlight
so new and yet comforting
throwing light where there was none
cauterizing wounds within
creating beauty again

- 22 September 2006

7 Seconds

The mantra of an enlisted Marine headed to Iraq. As I was told... 7 seconds : the average life expectancy of an enlisted man going into a fire fight.


7 Seconds

7 seconds
the average time for a tear to fall
to caress my cheek
like your touch used to
. . . . . . .
7 seconds
the average time between thoughts of you
filling my mind
my favorite distraction
. . . . . . .
7 seconds
the average time I don't miss you
in a single day
each day since we met
. . . . . . .
7 seconds
not just a life expectancy
but so much more
did you know?

- 05 June 2006

The Distance Between Us

An internal response to being told I've changed. Being told I'm not the girl I was years ago. As if it was a bad thing. Never did like that...


The Distanced Between Us

Looking through the looking glass
I see not me but someone else
but if not me, who could it be
I do not know and so I turn
away from me or other me
or whom so ever it may be

Look into my soul and say
you are who last I thought you were
though different now yet not much so
Naught but a girl who's had to grow
up quite too fast while at long last
she's found a place to call her home

Looking up and ever on
not looking back but once awhile
I've found the me I want to be
Much of sorrow did e'er we go
through just to get here you and me
apart not truly will we be

- 04 June 2006

Through My Eyes

A reflection on Ace's time in Boot Camp, from my point of view. I can still remember how excited he was to go, and I was excited for him... so much so that I wished I had enlisted, as well. But instead, I would try with all my heart to emanate those core values which would be instilled in him whilst across the country : Honor, Courage, Commitment. Even now, though Ace and Angel are no longer, even still I live my life according to those principles.


Through My Eyes

Week one:
change, discipline
here, there, yes sir;
everything's a blur

Week three:
settling in
finding a routine;
what am I doing?

Week six:
new purpose
protect my brother;
he will not fall behind

Week nine:
no end to "punishment"
it's all in the mind;
they can not beat us

Week twelve:
jump through hoops
hard part's done;
we're going to make it

Week thirteen:
an honor like none before
courage to see it through;
committed to this new life

- 13 January 2006

Fire for You

A reflection on love and devotion, loyalty and dedication. I've always liked this one, from the day I wrote it.


Fire for You

A fire burns hot and true
My flames of love for you
The yellow, red and gold
And colors yet untold
Burn brightly deep inside;
An angel by your side.

- 21 December 2005

Through the Looking Glass I Gaze

I can not remember why these lines found themselves onto paper, yet here they are.


Through the Looking Glass I Gaze

finding pieces scattered 'round
liquid shards of torment
waiting to swallow me whole

sleep will not come
thoughts race around
is there no end?

fearing the night
not fear of darkness
nay darkness nurtures...

but fear of the thoughts
the nightmares that come
whenever I close my eyes

- 16 December 2005

This Day is Done

Never have I truly liked the latter portions of this mind-spurt. Still, it is part of my repertoire and so, here it is. Probably about another breakup with Ace, no doubt *sighs*


This Day is Done

The sun sets
on a glorious day
the end of things
just barely tasted.
It's too soon,
give me more time,
I beg of you,
no one hears me.
Receding in the darkness
I return to shadows,
a familiar place,
hated vehemently.
Corruption and Control
my old playmates
come out of hiding
and welcome me back.
Hiding emotions
deep inside
I return to a life
of emptiness.

- 09 December 2005

Here and Gone

Long distance relationships... how often I swore I'd never get into them. After graduating high school, that was all I seemed to find myself in. Despite knowing the impossibility of a rendezvous, still the mind plays tricks, aye?


Here and Gone

People passing, always passing
never looking, always passing
I see your eyes, I see your smile
where are you now? I do not smile
It's you I want, but do not find
I know you're gone, you I won't find
I smell your skin, I turn and look
you won't be there, but still I look
I'm going mad, or am I there?
I can not think, I think I'm there
Since you've been gone, I just can't sleep
I think of you, I fall asleep

- 06 December 2005

My Confessions : Part II

Ace and I were still trying to work things out, and the relationship between Champ and I was up for discussion. Though it was not a matter of 'life or death' it was still a cause for much concern, and when I turned to Champ for answers, his callous response of "I was warned" haunted me for months. Even now, residual anger flares when I think about that time in my life... it affected me for the next year and some months... it scares me even now, thinking about it.


My Confessions : Part II

I thought we were great those first weeks we shared
We did everything together each day.
You seemed genuine, I knew that you cared
Had I felt the same, I just might have stayed.

How wrong I had been those months long ago
It seems like a dream - rather, a nightmare.
There was much inside I had to forego
Oft we were angry and did naught but stare.

But stare we do not, no longer at least
You took care of that with child-like antic.
Without my knowing our talking had ceased
And for weeks after it had me frantic

Some questions arose in my heart and head
I wrote them all down, but not for your eyes
Despite that you found my words and you read
Things that irked you so you broke all our ties.

Now I realize how childish you are.
It's hard to believe it took me this long
To see the real you, I was fooled thus far.
You I had trusted - it seems I was wrong.

You weren't there for me when I made that call
And told you my news, you said I was warned.
As you turned your back I built my own wall
And cried bitter tears, for me you had scorned.

I am not that girl you met years ago
But neither are you that boy I cared for.
No longer do I desire to know
Your thoughts or feelings, I love you no more.

You feign apathy and disdain for me
Get over our past and act like you claim
Deal with your anger or you'll ne'er be free
From this - forever stuck in this child's game.

- 04 November 2005

Waiting

Ace and I, having problems again. Somehow, the past was ever a present issue, without fail, each time we were together. Love is blind, however, or so the saying goes... and so it went, for us both.


Waiting

The hope in you I find is pure
You guide me when I need you more
Yet oft we seem so damn unsure
What is it that we're waiting for?

For you to leave for thirteen weeks?
For me to rid the guilt I speak?
There has to be a better way
To ease the pain we feel today.

To follow straight and true the path
That were it found our fears be slain
A perfect love we'd have again
And deal not with this aftermath.

But perfect is not what I seek
To wish for that is to be weak
I want just you through come what may
Forever by your side I'll stay.

- 26 October 2005
- titled 06 March 2008

Rising Above

My 'epic' poem, standing as a testament to the love between Ace and Angel, between two kids finding their way the best that they could. Beginning with Ace's heart the way Angel had found him, destroyed by one whom she never did meet... then her healing of his body mind and soul... their relationship exploding into realms neither had expected... then Angel falling from him, Ace returning to his darkness... she falling into the arms of another, but thinking oft of him... he doing naught but exactly the same... each yearning for the other but still hesitant... finally giving in to forces stronger than either of them, they renew their pact and rise above the confines of life itself.


Rising Above

Once upon a sky
there reigned a creature
flying so high
nothing could match him

He danced and soared
effortless and majestic
until a season came
when he was deceived

Damaged to his core
he tumbles down
a suicide spiral
into oblivion

A one-winged creature
feelings betrayed
once adored
now broken

No one can reach him
try as one might
he won't allow it
a loner, alone

- - - - -

There she finds him
hurt and insecure
needing a friend
but running away

She shows him her scars
and tells her tale
of hope and desire
and disappointment and tears

He takes a step back
but does not run
he has found solace
a place to turn

She tends to his wounds
as he tells his tale
of trust and love
and lies and pain

Upon completing his tale
there is a spark
deep within
healing has begun

- - - - -

A spark and then fire
burning inside
fueling his soul
pure energy

Invoking emotions
that once were lost
buried deep within
now stronger than ever

Bound to their word
a pact is made
each one sworn
to protect the other

And protect they did
very well indeed
each day spent
with visions of forever

Love everlasting
they rise above
the depths of Hell
ascending into heaven

- - - - -

Higher and higher
they soared together
nary a care
to bring them down

But winds of fate
tore her from him
a change of seasons
he's deceived once more

Damaged beyond his core
he grows cold
his heart shattered
each piece dying

He kept his pact
but hers was broken
and so she fled
leaving him alone

In darkness once more
and her to blame
from Hell to Heaven
and back again

- - - - -

Fate winds ceasing
her heart changing
She now follows
where her mind leads

Logic preceding her
as oft does happen
she tries to forget
where emotion led her

Forget the sky
the castles they built
she tells herself
to forget it all

Ha ha! Success!
her thoughts preoccupied
by one to whom
her heart now belonged

Yet all too soon
she searches the skies
yearning for freedom
and the seasons change

- - - - -

Reigning over Hell
his wings incinerated
this dark angel
cares not for love

A weakness of mortals
certainly not for him
beneath his detachment
lies a broken heart

Dark nebulae above
no sky in sight
can lofty castles
now be forgotten?

Feigning recovery
allegiance to another
her problems solved
his left untouched

His soul still dark
his heart still numb
caring not for another
but for his lost love

- - - - -

To each is heard
a voice so clear
a plea for help
desperate for love

Skyward they look
each for the other
too dark to see
they turn inward instead

Faced with demons
phantoms from their past
shadows of anguish
manifest upon their hearts

Ghosts of ties
severed long ago
tug at the mind
yet more the soul

Bringing hearts ever closer
each needing the other
their threads of fate
irrevocably entwined

- - - - -

Unrequited love
summons marred dreams
uniting hope and trust
in tortured souls

Cold hearts tremble
questioning reality
eternity unknown
yet pressing on

At length darkness fades
eclipsed by devotion
desire and emotion
yesterdays all but forgotten

Bound to Heaven above
a pact is renewed
stronger than before
young hearts matured

Transcending matter and form
their last breath exhaled
their bodies left below
their spirits become one


- 23 September 2005
- revised 14 March 2008

1 AM

Actually written at 0100...


1 AM

sleep, sleep
dreamless sleep
come at last
peaceful sleep

take away
my tears today
my sorrow builds
I look away

sleep, sleep
dreamless sleep
come at last
peaceful sleep

help me see
my soul set free
I need you more
than previously

I want to smile
for many a while
you recognize
my inner child

sleep, sleep
dreamless sleep
come at last
peaceful sleep

- 20 September 2005

Standing True; Standing by You

Ace and I find ourselves, and once again find ourselves together. He has by now joined the Corps, and I couldn't have been (still am) more proud of that choice. I was so ready to take on the world for him, to wait for him, to support him throughout his training and deployment.


Standing True; Standing by You

With every hour that passes
my tears fall upon grasses
that pass under my feet
as I walk near the street
where oft we did stand

With every day we're apart
your love is felt by a heart
that needs you more and more
as you leave for a war
where alone you'll stand

With every year still to come
our future we won't run from
that day I call you home
as a plea not to roam
where as one we'll stand

- 09 September 2005

Angelwings of Ash

Ace and Angel, together no longer. Again. How much trouble I had gotten into for that boy, but I regret it not. But still, I also had some growing up to do before I could justify an official reunion betwixt us.



Angelwings of Ash

Alone in the world
feelings rise and fall
tears in my eyes
they burn

Sneaking out at night
lies caught in my mouth
is this worth it
perhaps

Angel of the skies
along side her Ace
but together
no more

Where have my wings gone
torn from my own back
burning to dust
to ash

Now I am grounded
dirt and rocks below
a path laid out
for me

Darkened skies above
a long road ahead
the choice is mine
I walk

- 03 January 2005
- revised 13 March 2006
- revised 08 March 2008

Nothing

Things between Champ and I quickly headed downhill after the first month ; we started arguing, and days would go by when we didn't speak to one another. Month four proved to be too much with school coming to a close, so I broke things off with him and started the summer refreshed.


Nothing

Day after day
we go through the motions
the same kiss goodbyes
the same spoken farewells

Night after night
I look for a meaning
behind my kiss goodbye
behind my spoken farewell

Nothing's like it was
Nothing's like it seems
sincerity no more than
shadows of the past

Day after day
we follow our routine
the same worn out questions
the same used up conversations

Night after night
I yearn for change
desperate for answers
desperate for peace of mind

Nothing's as it should
Nothing's as I want
dreams meaning more than
realities of this 'romance'

Day after day
we fight our trivial battles
the same unsolved problems
the same tense silences

Night after night
I long for a reprieve
the final argument
the final goodbye

Nothing's what we are
Nothing's what we'll be
our future no more than
ashes in the wind

Nothing is all we are
Nothing is all we'll be

- 02 May 2005

My Confessions : Part I

I had called it quits with Ace and started dating a very good friend of mine ; one I had met the very first day of college even. I had always wanted a friendship to develop into something more, and for the first month I thought it had, with Champ.


My Confessions : Part I

From the day we met that late-summer's day,
I knew you and I should not be apart.
So much fun we had in our jest and play,
and from that day forth you had my whole heart.

But yours I had not so early that year,
I could only wait and stand by your side.
Your friend forever just to you be near,
I hid my feelings for months I had tried.

For every problem I had run to you,
oft you were patient and had an answer.
With each day passing my love for you grew,
but it mattered not for you were with her.

Doing what I must my feelings aside,
I encouraged you to make things work out.
A smile on my face, pure torture inside,
will I get my chance? my heart filled with doubt.

A summer goes by and with it my love.
I with another I wholly forgot
the feelings I had for one who above
all the rest still had in my heart a spot.

But sixteen months aft the day we both met
my feelings for you were back in full swing.
I prayed the future held not a regret,
I hoped I meant more than a weekend fling.

The end of that year brought us together;
my dreams had come true, "you" and "I" now "us".
If we try any storm we can weather;
you have been my rock, you I fully trust.

By your side I'll stand completely devout,
with each passing day you I'll still cherish.
Problems may arise but we'll work them out,
and together the "us" will not perish.

- 14 February 2005
- revised 13 March 2008

Une Larme

Translation: A Tear

A tear falls
cold and sorrowful
So much emotion
rising within me

I'm so angry
at the world
but especially at her
Can you help me?

Take me away from here
I will follow you
forever
anywhere


Une Larme

Une larme tombe
froide et triste
Beaucoup d'emotion
augmente en moi

Je suis fâchée
contre tout le monde
mais surtout contre elle
Peux-tu m'aider?

Emmène-moi d'ici
Je te suivrai
pour toujours
n'import où

- 10 July 2004
- revised 14 March 2008

The Colors of Freedom

Not nearly enough Americans (people) realize what Soldiers, Seamen, Airmen, Marines or even Coasties go through in the defense of, or preparation for defense of, the great country we live in... nor do many realize the importance or significance of a simple thank you.


The Colors of Freedom

Greens Blues Whites
so beautiful yet so frightening
These colors represent so much
Strength Courage Purity
most importantly Freedom
Still one more color remains
the least told
and most remembered
From these other three
we have Pride and Respect
but from the last
we have Loss and Sorrow
the color Red
Nobility
Blood shed for us

- 15 May 2004

The Stranger

After talking with dance-club boy incessantly two weeks after we met, I realize that he and I were two of a kind ; so different from the world around us. He the Ace of my beating heart; never had I fallen so hard for a boy, so quickly and so completely. It seemed too good to be true, yet not a truer love had I ever experienced.


The Stranger

The path I take
is rigid and narrow
Friends desert you
love betrays you
I am alone
and no one cares

Tears in the night
silently break the surface
Ripples dart forth
a steady pulse
My reflection disappears
I wish I could

Departing from the darkness
you appear before me
Resembling an enigma
mischievous yet virtuous
Who are you
I long to know

Though it matters not
for fate guides us
No logic remains
just our love
Young and innocent
our hearts now intertwined

- 17 April 2004

A Moment in Time

Spring break of my first year in college. I go back to my hometown and hit the dance club with my girls. I was tired of Gunn, I broke up with Snowflake boy a month after we started dating, I just wanted to relax and have a good time. And find it I did, alone and leaning up against a wall.


A Moment in Time

You stand alone
against the wall,
I watch you
and wonder who you are.

Somehow you intrigue me
and I know not why,
for at that moment
I knew you were the one.

I fell for you
in that moment,
that brief second
when our eyes met.

- 04 April 2004

Snowflakes

Written after Gunn calls it quits again, and I started dating an acquaintance of mine. Although it was never anything more than a surface level relationship, barely more than a friendship really, it was a starting point. A place from which I could proceed, from which I could start to get on with my life.


Snowflakes

As I was walking
down the road
Snowflakes fell,
Bitter.

Before I met you
I was alone
A snowflake,
Cold.

While I saw you
I was vulnerable
A snowflake,
Fragile.

After I met you
I was elated
A snowflake,
Sparkling.

As we were walking
arm in arm
Snowflakes fell,
Beautiful.

- 28 December 2003

Meaning of Love

The second poem written after yet another Gunn breakup. I was still debating whether I really believed him when he said "I love you" at this point. Despite all the issues I had been having with him, and how upset I became over his need to control parts of my life, still I had wondered if I really did love him. I kept going back, right? Didn't that mean something?


Meaning of Love

I'm here all alone
with nothing but my own thoughts
they are my worst enemy

It's dark here
I see nothing in my life
I see you

You've come and gone
and come and gone
and come and gone again

Every time you hurt me
my heart grows
a little colder inside

Tears fall down my cheeks
I want to break down
I do so silently

You never knew
how bad you burned me
with your ice-cold stare

I melted beneath your affections
but I have learned
now I steel myself against you

You will never hurt me again
I won't let you, I can't...
I've let you too many times already

Is this what love means?

- 07 December 2003

2nd Chances

This was one of my first cracks at verse outside of the school setting. This was written during my senior year in high school, and written right after Gunn broke up with me for the first time. Since 7th grade, it was the first time ANY boy had broken up with me. Because of that, he was the first boy I ever cried over as well.

Another first : he was the first boy with whom I had ever contemplated the meaning of love. He said it to me, and at the time I really did believe him (... even now I'm not sure if he was just saying it to get what he wanted) but never was I comfortable in saying it back to him. I think I let him see this about a week after the breakup, and we got back together a week after that. The first 'second chance' I ever gave, and I should have learned after that.


2nd Chances

Thinking all night
about you and me
things aren't right
and I can't let that be.

I was fine
when you said good-bye
but after you left
I started to cry.

Why couldn't you tell me
what was on your mind?
It's left me wondering
if we can get out of this bind.

If things were simple and fair
I would know what to do
every thought and feeling I'd share
I'd share everything with you.

Everything we've ever said or done
has created our great history
and without you I'm not any fun
but the future is still a mystery.

Maybe there is a way
to calm the things I fear
if in your arms I could stay
then maybe you won't disappear.

So I'll let you in again
into my heart and head
'cause you're still my best friend
and we've not yet come to the end.

- 08 March 2003